The English Major Who Went Up the Stairs and Came Upon a Mountain

My nostrils were assaulted with a wretched stench as I crossed the lobby and approached the exit. Upon opening the inside door of the foyer, the full force of the affront slammed me. I glanced around but saw no immediate source; so vile was it that I expected to see feces smeared on the walls. Not spying the evidence, I hurried out to escape the reeking air.

This house on North Cedar Street has a yard and terrace full of greenery. Lots
of hostas, but a lot of other stuff, too. No pic but an aerial will do it justice.

When I returned an hour or so later, the stink hung in the air, a nearly visible cloud of odious odor. More visible still, distinctly physically manifest, in fact, was the mountain of poop at the base of the steps. And when I say mountain, I mean mountain. This pile of crap resembled the ginormous glob of triceratops plop into which Dr. Ellie Sattler plunges her latex-encased arm in "Jurassic Park." I mean to say it surpassed the measure by which the Welsh distinguish a mountain from a foothill. This was an epic shite.

Hyperbole? Perhaps. But you didn't see it, I did.

I hurled past it, through the locked inner door and up to my apartment. There I grabbed a bottle of Febreze and a cereal box from the recycling bin. Back in the foyer I tore the box in two because I realized there was a mini plop a couple feet away from the base of the mountain. I scooped the poops carefully onto the cardboard and carted it at arm’s length (in a vain attempt to soften the olfactory blow, but most importantly to keep it from landing on me should I jostle it) to the Dumpster out back.

Fast forward to this morning. Up at 6:30 in a renewed effort to run regularly and early, I was out the door by 7. Back through the stench. The closed doors had trapped the foul atmosphere like a bottle, or one of those aerosol cans of fart smell for party gags (only worse). Then I noticed a smear on the door handle. WTF!? Who does something this disgusting? And why? Some twisted vendetta against the property management? Spiteful ex-lover of some resident? Urgent drunk unable to make it home? None of these potential answers seems to be truly plausible. Well, maybe the first. It is the most direct.

Today's haul: Cans, a bouncy ball, a super straw cup
and some sort of plumbing piece. Love the cup.

I did the run – 6 miles, a couple of treasures and a handful of cans. A success, all in all. And I soldiered through the foyer upon my return. Dashing upstairs to my abode, I grabbed a bottle of generic Oxy Clean, a scavenged cleaning rag (thus most certainly disposable) and returned to the pit of putrescence. There I proceeded to douse the remaining stains with Oxy and scrub away with the cloth to remove any remnants. Then I hastened to the back of the building in search of a brick with which to prop open the outside door in hopes of refreshing the air within the vestibule. 

I’d seen the cleaning woman arrive about the time I returned from my run, so I was hopeful, too, that she would add to my efforts and restore a semblance of acceptable atmosphere to the confined space through which we all must pass, if not for entry to the building, then at least to retrieve our correspondence. Satisfied with my good deed for the day, I went to the office to notify Kathy, the manager/secretary/whatever, that there was a legitimate reason for the door being propped open today.

Finally, it was time to shower and be off to work.

Hope my focus on this random event didn’t result in a crappy blog. Yeah, I suck at puns. 

Today's stats

Temp: 66 degrees F and rainy

Distance: 6 miles

Treasure: 17 cans; 1 blue super ball; 1 plumbing fitting.

iPod Playlist (Shuffle)

Fly Me to the Moon - Diana Krall (She's just "dead setsy," as Fat Bastard would say)

Need You Now - Lady Antebellum

Turpentine - JJ Grey and Mofro

You Give Good Love - Whitney Houston

Over the Hills and Far Away (live) - Led Zeppelin

Ya Ya - Lee Dorsey

Sleepwalking - Lyle Lovett

Mutineer - Bob Dylan (cover of Zevon)

Thunderbird - ZZ Top

That Was Me - Todd Snider

Theme from Alamo Bay - Ry Cooder

You're Only Human (Second Wind) - Billy Joel (Video's kind of a cheesy take on "It's a Wonderful Life," but kinda fun, too.)

Dream On - Glee Cast feat. Neil Patrick Harris

The Lie - Matthew West

Dance Hall Days - Wang Chung

Elected - Alice Cooper (Featuring Rob Zombie and Slash)