My nostrils were assaulted with a
wretched stench as I crossed the lobby and approached the exit. Upon opening
the inside door of the foyer, the full force of the affront slammed me. I
glanced around but saw no immediate source; so vile was it that I expected to
see feces smeared on the walls. Not spying the evidence, I hurried out to
escape the reeking air.
 |
| This house on North Cedar Street has a yard and terrace full of greenery. Lots of hostas, but a lot of other stuff, too. No pic but an aerial will do it justice. |
When I returned an hour or so later,
the stink hung in the air, a nearly visible cloud of odious odor. More visible
still, distinctly physically manifest, in fact, was the mountain of poop at the
base of the steps. And when I say mountain, I mean mountain. This pile of crap resembled
the ginormous glob of triceratops plop into which Dr. Ellie Sattler plunges her
latex-encased arm in "Jurassic Park." I mean to say it surpassed the
measure by which the Welsh distinguish a mountain from a foothill. This was an
epic shite.
Hyperbole? Perhaps. But you didn't
see it, I did.
I hurled past it, through the locked
inner door and up to my apartment. There I grabbed a bottle of Febreze and a
cereal box from the recycling bin. Back in the foyer I tore the box in two
because I realized there was a mini plop a couple feet away from the base of
the mountain. I scooped the poops carefully onto the cardboard and carted it at
arm’s length (in a vain attempt to soften the olfactory blow, but most
importantly to keep it from landing on me should I jostle it) to the Dumpster
out back.
Fast forward to this morning. Up at
6:30 in a renewed effort to run regularly and early, I was out the door by 7.
Back through the stench. The closed doors had trapped the foul atmosphere like
a bottle, or one of those aerosol cans of fart smell for party gags (only
worse). Then I noticed a smear on the door handle. WTF!? Who does something
this disgusting? And why? Some twisted vendetta against the property
management? Spiteful ex-lover of some resident? Urgent drunk unable to make it
home? None of these potential answers seems to be truly plausible. Well, maybe
the first. It is the most direct.
 |
| Today's haul: Cans, a bouncy ball, a super straw cup and some sort of plumbing piece. Love the cup. |
I did the run – 6 miles, a couple of
treasures and a handful of cans. A success, all in all. And I soldiered
through the foyer upon my return. Dashing upstairs to my abode, I grabbed a bottle
of generic Oxy Clean, a scavenged cleaning rag (thus most certainly disposable)
and returned to the pit of putrescence. There I proceeded to douse the
remaining stains with Oxy and scrub away with the cloth to remove any remnants.
Then I hastened to the back of the building in search of a brick with which to
prop open the outside door in hopes of refreshing the air within the vestibule.
I’d seen the cleaning woman arrive
about the time I returned from my run, so I was hopeful, too, that she would
add to my efforts and restore a semblance of acceptable atmosphere to the confined
space through which we all must pass, if not for entry to the building, then at
least to retrieve our correspondence. Satisfied with my good deed for the day,
I went to the office to notify Kathy, the manager/secretary/whatever, that
there was a legitimate reason for the door being propped open today.
Finally, it was time to shower and
be off to work.
Hope my focus on this random event
didn’t result in a crappy blog. Yeah, I suck at puns.
Today's stats
Temp: 66 degrees F and rainy
Distance: 6 miles
Treasure: 17 cans; 1 blue super ball; 1 plumbing fitting.
iPod Playlist (Shuffle)
Fly Me to the Moon - Diana Krall (She's just "dead setsy," as Fat Bastard would say)
Need You Now - Lady Antebellum
Turpentine - JJ Grey and Mofro
You Give Good Love - Whitney Houston
Over the Hills and Far Away (live) -
Led Zeppelin
Ya Ya - Lee Dorsey
Sleepwalking - Lyle Lovett
Mutineer - Bob Dylan (cover of
Zevon)
Thunderbird - ZZ Top
That Was Me - Todd Snider
Theme from Alamo Bay - Ry Cooder
You're Only Human (Second Wind) -
Billy Joel (Video's kind of a cheesy take on "It's a Wonderful Life," but kinda fun, too.)
Dream On - Glee Cast feat. Neil
Patrick Harris
The Lie - Matthew West
Dance Hall Days - Wang Chung
Elected - Alice Cooper (Featuring
Rob Zombie and Slash)
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