Love is just a fantasy

Chris and Alison in the receiving line.

Alison and Chris met online. They fell in love. They dated for I don’t know how long. Their dates and eventual weekends together meant long drives between Macomb and the Quad Cities (I don’t know which one Chris called home). I attended their wedding last September. 

As the reception got swinging, my buddy Kent, an excellent professional photographer who was shooting the ceremony and party, starting making some impromptu portraits in the rustic lake-resort setting. As I posed by a wooden tower for a dilapidated slide into the lake, somebody – Al or Jane – joked that it could be my profile picture for an online dating site. No way, I assured them. I would not be doing that, despite the recorded success of Alison and Chris and my own brother and his lovely wife Gayle.

I look a little fat or round or something.
But the lighting is good.

A month later I was on Match. And yeah, I used that great photo by Kent for my profile pic – one of ’em anyway. I cobbled together a profile – my statement about me, who I am. A soon realized it was not right, so I sought the help of a friend who is even better with words than I and who knows me. She gave it the proper tweak. But that didn’t assure success...

Online dating is rough. It feels kind of like job hunting, but with higher stakes. Or at least stakes that matter more than money.

Reading a person's profile is like looking at an ad in the employment classifieds — only expanded. First there's the come on: great gal who enjoys many of the same activities and is attractive. Looking for...

Just like the job ads I've perused from time to time, profiles leave me wondering if I stack up: Well, I'm within her prescribed age range and distance from her home. I am between 3'5" and 8'9" (really, would a 5'7" woman consider me if I were 3'7"? Or 7'11"?) And hey, she has no preference on hair, eye color or income level.

Kent photographs Chad and Jane.

Back to who she's looking for: A guy who's handy around the house. Hmmm. I'm not a total doofus, but I have more than my share of home repair horror stories. I once chucked a circular saw at a tree in frustration, for example, and inadvertently taught my toddling daughter a profanity combo that’d draw a penalty flag in a soccer match. 

I have a rather archaic, unrealistic romantic fantasy. Guys are entitled to those, too, right? See, I like the magic movie romance of the 1930s and '40s or so. You know, John Wayne and Maureen O'Hara in "The Quiet Man" or Cary Grant (whom I don't really care for much) et al and their typical whirlwind screen romance. (Whirlwind as in quick to fall in love, not over and done.)

One of my favorite examples comes from the 1933 classic "King Kong." The first mate on the boat carrying filmmaker Carl Denham to Skull Island in search of the mysterious Kong falls for the lovely Fay Wray pretty instantly. He plays tough guy for a bit, but push comes to shove and he's quick to declare, "say, I think I love you." And that's that. By the end of the he’s fought freakin’ King Kong to rescue her film and they’re married.

Or how about the sweet, quirky romance that blooms between Zach Braff and Natalie Portman in “Garden State”? It takes some time to develop and that first kiss doesn’t come along for a few days. But the chemistry is apparent from the start and even the couple of uncomfortable bumps are bypassed quickly and happiness reigns.

But that’s not reality. Reality is unanswered emails and ignored “winks.” The considerate rejectors at least reply with an encouraging “good luck out there.” As previously noted, I have made a great new friend. That’s something. We’ll see what else comes from my six-month subscription. In the meantime, here are some random thoughts on what I’ve seen so far.

1. Why does Match use a birthday cake as the graphic to accompany “you’re both loyal to the same alma mater”?
2. How does a “mutual match” fluctuate from 87% to 100% and points between when neither of you has changed anything in your profile?
3. Should one (I) really care one iota about “mutual match” percentages? I mean, really, is “you both prefer pooches” or “like you, she’s a middle child” a basis for anything? How much of a common denominator is that? Honestly, I checked that I am the middle child and the oldest, because I come from a “blended” family. Take that, Match!
4. How can someone “favorite” you but not show up as having viewed your profile?
5. How can the number of people who have viewed your profile go down if you haven’t reset the counter? Maybe that happens if a viewer’s profile becomes inactive or s/he blocks you.
6. Why can’t some people find an in-focus photo to post? Or save it big enough to see a face?
7. Are green-eyed women somehow cursed? There seems to be a preponderance of them on Match. At least they’re more common on Match than in my daily life. I think I know one person with green eyes, and I didn’t know it until I saw it in her Match profile. If I know others, I am unaware of their eye color. Personally I think green eyes are pretty, just rare. So why so common on Match?

8.   I like the missteps: Looking for a “corruptible man.” Is she serious? Facetious? Did she mean “incorruptible”? Another wants a man with a “corky personality.” Like the kid on “Life Goes On”? And for those who actually spell “quirky” correctly, just what does that mean? How do you define quirky? How fine is the line between quirky and OCD and just plain weird? When you say you’re not into drama, does that necessarily rule out role playing and dress-up?  I did find it interesting when one person admitted she was prone to some occasional drama. That kind of honesty is a nice touch.

I'm better at shooting still lifes.

Today's Stats

Temp: 36 degrees F outdoors

Distance: 3 miles

Weekly Total: 7 miles

Treasure: Self awareness.

iPod Playlist (shuffle)

How Will I Know – Whitney Houston

Venus – Bananarama

One Room CountryShack – Buddy Guy

Very Special Love – Alabama

Mr. Pitiful – The Commitments

Terminal Frost – Pink Floyd

The Grand Illusion - Styx